I open my eyes to what can be...of you, and of me.

If I could tell you what I would want my future to look like twenty years from now, from the the bottom of my heart...

Truthfully, it wouldn't be in a house on a nice piece of land, surrounded by a picket fence with a family consisting of a hard-working, handsome husband, two dogs and six kids. That is what I USED to imagine. Yes, I really love and want children of my own, but possibly in a different aspect.

From the bottom of my heart, I would want my future to be the opposite. I would love to take on missionary work, move away to a foreign country where poor doesn't even describe their living conditions and those some consider "unlovable"....yet they are so rich in hope and genuine love. I would love to love them, share my faith with them, help them. I would love to have a family of my own there, being surrounded by children that I could love as if they were really my own. I would love to teach them, to understand them, to worship with them, to somehow create possible change...to give them a life that they deserve. Somtimes I think about stuff like this. I invision becoming a doctor or nurse then moving away and building hospitals and shelters. Sometimes I feel like maybe it is impossible or even crazy to think that I could do such a thing or make the slightest impact. Maybe I can not do so alone. Then sometimes I think of Mother Theresa, Jane Goodall or most importantly, Jesus Christ. I yearn to be HIS hands and feet, to be like Him, to do as He did. I have this whole life ahead of me with so much time to do something...so why not make it something important? My life is for the Lord, so why not dedicate it to Him completely, wholeheartedly, with everything?! Maybe thinking like this is crazy, or maybe this mind-set is what the world needs. This generation can make an impact, create change, or even change the world. It's always on my heart.

Recently, I watched "Invisible Children". Three young boys went to Sudan/Northern Uganda to document the lives of the children there. They are living in poverty, without any family, abducted and taken hostage...trained and forced to kill. It seriously broke my heart. I wish I could just help them in some way, taking them away from a life like that. The title "Invisible Children" kind of stood out to me. Sometimes the world is blind, or maybe careless, or maybe the world just feels helpless. But I think it is possible to help, that people in the world need to take a stand and recognize situations such as this. In my eyes, how can we not?

Anyway, I have no idea how my life will be ten years from now, or even a few years from now, or even next month. I don't know. Then again, it's not my place to know...only God does. I trust in Him and I know that He will guide me. Wherever I end up, I know that is where I am meant to be.

I believe that those who truly want to change the world WILL. As many have said before..."believing is achieving." Maybe we all need to have hope, and faith...and believe. Lately, I have been struggling with believing in myself, being too doubtful. I have to give it to God and know that HE can do anything through me. And I believe that with God, nothing is impossible (Matt. 19:26) and impossible is nothing.

http://www.invisiblechildren.com/home

maybe this is wishful thinking,

or maybe it will be a dream come true...

maybe it's time for us all to spread our wings.

Someday, now

Random rant...enjoy. ;)



I am a girl filled with an urgency to reach out, with this never-ending want to love and help others. I am flawed and once bruised, but healed. I have witnessed too much, been lied to and trampled on. I have had the life sucked out of me, only to be filled again. I have opened myself up to people, torn apart but revived and strengthened as a result. I have cried myself to sleep, distressed and hopeless; little did I know, immense happiness was right around the corner to mend my sorrows. I have been let down, but I have forgiven. I have let others down, being forgiven. I have seen pain, addiction, anger, sadness and loss. But I have also seen love, comfort, joy, peace and gained so much from it all. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that we go through whatever it may be to become wiser, stronger...to learn and grow...There are always lessons in life, whether it be yours or someone else, there is so much meaning to everything that happens. I believe that because God spoke the earth into being, everything He created has meaning, a purpose, even if some don't know it yet. I have walked in darkness. I have been saved, lifted from my old life...transformed from a heart of stone to a heart of flesh...filled with a new spirit, one that shines so brightly. I was lost, now I am found. I am a seeker, a giver, a child, a servant. I am young, vivacious, ambitious and curious. I am indecisive, caring, trustworthy, and unusual. I am faithful and understanding. I am a sister, a friend, a daughter, a lover. I am constantly learning, finding more about myself, about everything. I adore nature, spending time soaking in it's beauty. I adore stillness. I enjoy solitude almost as much as I enjoy being sociable. I wish I could fly like a bird so I could travel everywhere, on a mission. I hope to make the slightest impact on others throughout my life. I hope to always notice the good, rather than the bad. I hope I never loose myself or conform to the ways of the world. I hope I never forget to rest, taking time to cherish the good things in life, the simple things. I hope i never forget how to love or what it feels like to be in love. I hope I always remember my Savior, each and every day...worshiping Him in all that I do...remembering God's greatness, glorifying, speaking from my soul, hearing and thanking Him for numerous blessings. I hope in my times of trial, hardships and rocky roads that I know who strengthens me...that I am not alone, that I can do anything. I hope to look back on my life and smile, seeing my past filled with smiles...worriless and free. Constantly reminding myself of how great life really is, although it is hard and filled with struggles, but nothing that cannot be overcame. I hope to be successful; not in the sense of wealth or fame necessarily but in finding happiness within myself and others...always seeking God and loving endlessly. I hope to help many others find the Lord, realizing how much he LOVES them. But for now, I'm just me, trying to live a fruitful life.

You never let go of me...

"I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds, and there will be an end to these troubles, but until that days comes...Still I will praise YOU, still I will praise You!"
<3

A love that surpasses knowledge

I have always heard of puppy love, young love and relationships that don't last. I have also seen for myself all three. I have heard of one night stands, hook-ups, and affairs...none of which I have witnessed for myself, thankfully. It its many different usages, I have heard the term love and I have also seen what I would consider love, but I would have never thought that I would be SO loved. Nor would I have thought I would have found someone so amazing to love, and for that, I thank the Creator because GOD IS LOVE. I was never the type of girl to go out searching for a boyfriend or obsessing over guys. I was okay with the fact that as a young girl I was not allowed to date (until the age of sixteen). While my friends had boyfriends to talk about and be all mushy with, I was single. And I was okay with the fact that while other girls had stories to tell, I hadn't had my first kiss, nonetheless first date. As I got older, I began going to church on my own and focusing on what really matters. I had no idea that after walking through those doors every Sunday and Wednesday that I would fall SO deeply in LOVE or surrender myself completely to a higher power. I got re-baptized and completely committed myself as well as my life to God. I changed my ways, letting light continuously pour into my soul as wisdom did my ears. I was on FIRE for the Lord and still to this day, He amazes me...always showing His love for me and I just can not hold back the eagerness I have for His love. At the age of seventeen, God brought a handsome young man into my life...one that has always been the best guy friend a girl could ever ask for. Honestly, as friends, I never thought we would turn into something more and yet, I am so thankful that we did because I don't think I could ever be happier with anyone. I am so BLESSED with someone who loves me so strongly and compassionately. A love that is pure and genuine. I didn't expect to look into someones eyes at this age and see myself spending eternity with them, but I do. I never imagined that I would have someone so good to me...perfect for me in every way. I am so blessed with a loving family, whether it be those in my household or those at church. I am the luckiest girl in the world. It is all because of GOD. I would have never known what TRUE LOVE was if it wasn't for Him; He sent His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for our sins...and if that isn't true love, I don't know what is. I love to love and live to love....my family, my friends, my boyfriend...everything that He has created...but ultimately, He whose love is unfailing.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in LOVE, may have power, together with all saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the LOVE OF CHRIST, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge -- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:16-19)

Whispers from the heart

"The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man's spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. We have not received the spirit of the world but the Spirit who is from God, that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words." 1 Corinthians 2:10-13


I could start this with something elaborate or drastic or act like it was of little importance, but in actuality it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I will begin with the simple statement...God is good. It AMAZES me how He can just do something so great out of the blue, shocking me and bringing me to my knees. I have always thought that as a believer you have received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. I was never aware of the fact that it was something different than the Holy Spirit or being baptized....etc. I was completely confused but so curious. I had this thirst for something more. I didn't know how to approach this, but really, all you have to do is ASK. It's as simple as that. I have never wanted anything so much in my entire life. Last Wednesday, actually on July 28th, I went to prayer group. I expected great things, but honestly, I didn't think anything miraculous was going to happen to me. Of course, God surprised me. After group Mrs. Lori was talking with a few people, including myself about the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. Everyone left except her and I. She began praying with me, allowing me to accept the Baptism of the Holy Spirit...inviting it into me. I have NEVER felt God's presence so strongly before. I began to silently pray, shaking crazily. I can not explain to you the feelings that I felt. Mrs. Lori began speaking in tongues and I felt the Spirit working within me; there were words I wanted to voice but it was like they were on the tip of my tongue and I couldn't vocalize them. As she was praying for me, all of a sudden I opened my mouth and words that I, myself could not interpret overflowed from my lips. At that moment, my spirit was communicating to God and although I have no idea what I said, I know every word was exactly what it needed to be. I felt SO close to God. Now every time I pray and when I use my spiritual gift, I feel so close to Him...it is so personal, so intimate. After receiving the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, I feel so much more...I don't know...powerful. It is so beautiful just to be alone in His presence, praising Him, communicating with our Father. I have always heard of such gifts and witnessed others gifts as well, but I never thought He would bless me with such a gift of my own. All I can say is the the Lord NEVER ceases to astound me. Believe me, it is so true...when you ask, it will be given. :)

Some Scripture pertaining to this post:
Mark 16:16, Acts 8:5, 8:12, Acts 8:14-16, Luke 11:13, 1 Corin. 14:2, 1 Corin. 14:14-17, Acts 2:4

It's cute when you trip

Yesterday I got up on stage for the first time in front of others besides children since I was a kid doing acting classes. I had to recite a skit about tithing. First of all, I was a nervous wreck. I tripped going onto the stage and when I finally got up onto the stage...I seriously thought I was going to throw up everywhere. I had practiced SO much, I just knew I wouldn't mess up. Yeah...right. After the second paragraph, I stumbled on my words, forgetting everything and became speechless. Reality check! I finally collected myself/my thoughts, then finished the remaining part of the skit. So...afterwords I thought to myself..."UGH! Why did you mess up? *punches self in the stomach* You could get up there again and do that again with no problem! Man...you're sweating." But really, I think the imperfections were an extra special touch. I honestly love it when God uses me to do things that make me uncomfortable and it is so humbling to make mistakes. Good thing that the Lord was with me or I probably would have passed out...whatta spazz! ;)


Anyway, besides all of that, Brandon gave an amazing message about Tithing and if we honor God with money, he will bless it. He pointed how we overlook the blessings God has given us. As Americans, and humans in general, we are so selfish...caring about money and materialistic things and we always want MORE. If you think about it, we have more than most people in the world. There are people that have nothing yet they are filled with hope and faith...and in my eyes, that is true wealth. As Americans, why can't we want GOD like we want money and materialistic things...think about how rich we would actually be then.

"If your treasure is the Lord, your heart is with Him."

<3

A sweet reminder

Sometimes I feel like I am trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, constantly trying to solve everyone's problems. When I can't, it leaves me broken down and worn out. All I feel like doing is sleeping to try to get some relief from everything that I have been going through. But the thing is, I have been doing it all to myself...having too much pride and trying to control my life as well as others when it is not my place to do so. I am trying to play the role of ones shoes that no one can fill, especially not me. For a while I felt like I was searching for others happiness for them, trying to make them love God like I do and even if that is all I really want...I can't make it happen. People have to want to open their hearts up to him on their own. I can try to talk with them, pray with them, serve them, be there for them and let God shine HIS light through me, and I have accepted this. This morning at church the message was on a missional reminder and there were four key aspects: remember who we are, remember who we were, remember who saved us, and remember what is worth fighting for. A question that I need to ask myself is when was the last time I reflected? When I think about it, it has been entirely too long since I have done so. I get so caught up with my life now that I am a believer, I forget about the worldly person I was beforehand. When I forget, I become prideful in a way. I compare myself with those who are unbelievers because I have the "curse of knowledge". I think about how it is so saddening that they are the way they are, thinking I am so good and wishing that they only knew the Truth...but really, WHO AM I to ever think such a thing? I used to be exactly like them. I too was "once foolish, disobedient and led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another." (Titus 3:3) I have led a life such as that...I am NO better. I am still a sinner. I am no where near perfect. Where is my humility? And when I think about who I was and who I am now in Christ...I am humbled. I am SAVED. God, according to his own mercy, poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ so that by HIS GRACE we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life, as said in Titus 3:4-7. Why, as humans, are we so quick to forget that? I need reminded of who I am sometimes. I think we all do. Paul says "Remind them to be submissive to rulers, and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for EVERY good work, to speak evil of NO ONE, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle and to show perfect COURTESY toward all people." (Titus 3:1-2) We are to be incarnational and missional. We are to show meekness towards one another, LOVING one another because we are the hands and feet of Jesus. I mean, it is so easy to get caught up in the ways of the world, but how could we ever forget what Christ did for us? I am who I am in Him. My life would be nothing without His purpose for me, and some days I get carried away with everything that doesn't matter...caring about worldly possessions and who the world wants me to be...when all that truly matters is God. He is the only one worthy. I wish I could just show people how much God truly LOVES them. Oh wait, I can... "...and let our people learn to devote themselves to good works, so as to help cases of urgent need, and not be unfruitful." (Titus 3:13) I am to invest in others! I am to remember who I was, who I am, what is worth fighting for, and most importantly... Jesus Christ.

a bond that is unbreakable

To my mother, brother and step-dad:
The beautiful family of mine that has always shown me pure, tender love and care...strengthening me when I feel hopeless and doubtful, comforting me in times of sorrow, sharing the best of times as well as the worst. You guys have shown me that a family means that no matter what we all go through, we will always stick together because it makes us stronger and whole, wiser and filled with more love than before. I thank you for this, for teaching me life lessons that I will not have to learn myself, for being the best... I just wanted to let each of you know that I am so thankful for you. I don't think that I could tell you this enough. My love for you all is unchanging; I love you with all of my soul, forever.

I walk into Your arms

"Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent." (Revelation 2:5)

The message this morning truly touched my heart. I feel as though I have drifted apart and abandoned the true love that I once had for Jesus, which is so hard for me to admit, and honestly, very sad. Last summer up until the end of '09, I was ON FIRE for the Lord. I served Him with my heart and soul, giving Him everything. I looked forward to reading the Bible every morning; I yearned to learn and to spread Knowledge. I invited many of my friends and those who aren't believers to church, hoping that they would open up their hearts and feel the LOVE that I had for Jesus. I hoped that they too could go through the life-changing experience of accepting Him as our Savior. I absolutely love helping other and last year my mentor and I put together a "Walk of Faith" to spread the Word and LOVE of Jesus throughout Summerville by passing out candy canes with Romans 8:28 inscripted on them, open to prayer and just spreading Joy that He has with-stilled within us. I feel that this burning desire escaped me for a while. I got so caught up in the world and things that truly don't matter. Nothing compares to God. Not I, especially. I haven't given Him the GLORY HE deserves from me. I am so undeserving of the goodness He has blessed me with... His unfailing love and mercy. I have a flaw, a fatal flaw: "But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first." (Revelation 2:4), I have abandoned the love that I had at first, when I first TRULY gave my life over to God, giving everything to Him...when the embers within me were burning so brightly with such fierceness. Without Him, I would be nothing and He is my everything. I love the Lord with all that is within me, and today, I have realized what a sucky follower of Christ that I am. There is so much more that I could be doing, so much more effort that I could be giving. I feel like lately I have just been going through the motions. I guess we all feel this way at some point, but today, I am rekindling the flames... beginning a new chapter, one in which I am myself again... one in which I let the HOLY SPIRIT move me, work within me, and overflow from me until I spill among those that surround me.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22)

This is me, the fruit of the Spirit.

Risen...

^"Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" ~ John 11:25-26 NIV

Jesus is alive and He lives in me, forever and ever!

blessing in disguise

"Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn't make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more."

This evening was wonderful. The Last Song was a beautiful movie, even if the book is far better. I'm complete and happy.

previous post

reminded me of a poem by William Wordsworth...

"I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud"

        I wandered lonely as a cloud
      That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
      When all at once I saw a crowd,
      A host, of golden daffodils;
      Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
      Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

      Continuous as the stars that shine
      And twinkle on the milky way,
      They stretched in never-ending line
      Along the margin of a bay:                                          
      Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
      Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

      The waves beside them danced; but they
      Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
      A poet could not but be gay,
      In such a jocund company:
      I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
      What wealth the show to me had brought:

      For oft, when on my couch I lie
      In vacant or in pensive mood,
      They flash upon that inward eye
      Which is the bliss of solitude;
      And then my heart with pleasure fills,
      And dances with the daffodils.

blossoming vivacity

I love questions. When asked anything, I normally answer without hesitance. But if asked what my favorite flower is, I would have to think about it. Today, as it was a sunny, slightly windy day, I was sitting outside for a few hours adoring God's creation...thinking. My mind wandered off and eventually I asked myself the question, "What is your favorite flower?". This is hard for me, considering the fact that I am indecisive and I think that every bit of nature is fascinating; then, I remembered one thing that will never escape my mind. Every spring the hill leading up to my nana's house would be covered with bright yellow flowers. I would play in them, pick them to place upon her kitchen table, put them in my hair, and of course...sniff the ever so calming scent of daffodils. I looked forward to watching the seasons change, and more so, seeing these beautiful flowers bloom. As spring approached I would always ask my mom to take me to nana's house to see the flowers. When they had not yet flourished, I kept in mind the sight that I would soon see as I continuously checked to see if they were blossoming. Now as I look back and think about it, as each spring passed, I was blossoming along with these flowers; prospering into a young lady, gradually maturing and growing- spiritually, physically as well as intellectually. I miss the peaceful, joyous setting of the countryside and the beauty that I found in the field of daffodils that covered that hill.

whisper to me softly

With our heads upon the pillowcase,

our conversation meaningful.

Gently tuck my locks of hair abaft my ears,

speak to me with such gentle ways.

Comfort me with words so sincere,

openly tell your whimsical thoughts.

Enhance me with your knowledge.

Show me passion, so intently,

in a gentle tone, inform me of how you feel:

Tell me it's real, tell me it's real.

Speak to me of your dreams and aspirations,

paint a picture in my mind

of glorious tints and shades, as I envision your life.

Let the words flow between your soft lips;

speak to my heart, oh,

whisper to me softly.

fly away

Round, a vibrant blue. Solidity clashing against the earth tones of twigs;

Miscellaneous items thrown together to make a home, a place to rest: safely.

Chirping, feeding off worms and insects, surrounded by chaos.

Sprouting soon, nubs, prospering into something more;

Here lies the capability of becoming something.

Branches elongate; seconds turn into minutes, days into years.

Every surrounding is changing, growing, leaving.

Silky feathers develop, beautifying what was once simple.

Standing at the edge, beak pointed down,

Claws engraved in the bark, contemplating on letting go.

Lengthy wings are expanded. A silent jump.

Soaring, letting the wind guide the way, while singing a melodious tune.

Chains are broken; free at last. Fly away, fly away.

sheddings from the heart

I love to escape chaos and find myself outdoors soaking in the beauty of nature or surrounded by thousands of books in a silent library. I love days that are spent doing spontaneous things, letting loose and having so much fun. I love pictures that aren't posed; a photo that has so many imperfections, but that very moment was far more than perfect. I love finding the beauty in anything and everything, even if it takes some searching. I love different perspectives and trying to understand what goes on in other peoples minds- how they think and why they think the way they do. I love the spot at the beach where the sand meets the water, laying there peacefully, feeling nothing but pure bliss. I love the way my freckles are miscellaneously placed throughout my body, in no order, specific shape or size; they remind me of the stars. I love the feeling I get when I help someone with something, knowing that I made the slightest difference in their lives, ensuring them that I will always be there. I love having no idea where my life will lead me, having faith in God and knowing that He will lead the way, because my future is in His hands. I love to experience new things, whether good or bad, because I learn from everything. I love having a past that isn't perfect, but one that has made me who I am today. I love making unforgettable memories and in the process, creating bonds with amazing people. I love things that most would think are rather usual, but that I find intriguing. I love God with all my heart...a love that I don't deserve, but one that I am blessed with. And even with its ups and downs, I love this life I live.